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Facebook Twats

I rant a lot about Facebook. But I also promote Facebook. In terms of business, you have to be on there, have some kind of presence. This is the only reason I still have a Facebook account, so I can update my business page. Logging into my personal page tends to fill me with rage, mainly due to the vast number of self obsessed, braggy attention seeking twats that fill my wall. Here are my top 15 main hates for post types:

1) Time Hop

Oh my fucking god. No one gave a single fuck about your picture post originally, why will they enjoy it more 6 years down the line. Live in the moment, save your shit memories of the time you when you sat on a motorbike or had a beer in the sun to yourself.

2) Selfie

It’s defined a generation. And I don’t hate all selfies. I take selfies. I try to do it when I include friends/family/location and make it amusing. But, the people who take selfies, apply the correct insta filter to make it more flattering, is just an attempt to get the usual ego pumping comments such as “oh my god hun, you’re so fit” or “wow (heart eyes emoji)”.

3) Selfie in a Mirror

The full body, this is what I’m wearing today selfie. Fuck off. What sort of a twat does that? I’ve got chinos and a shirt on today, with my boots… shall I take a pic and show everyone? No? Why not? You absolute waste of oxygen.

4) RIP Dead Nan

I’ve touched on this before. But, don’t post RIP messages on Facebook. It’s really crass. Especially your dead nan, who has never even been on Facebook. Even worse are RIP Anniversaries. Like a dead granddad, who’s been dead for 6 years! Come on, he’s not surfing the web in the after life. Again, it’s a blatant request for sympathy comments. Bumming everyone out, who feels they need to fuel it by saying “my thoughts are with your family”. Arghhhh! Let your close friends know about your loss by phone and leave the grieving to a more dignified place like the church/grave/crematorium or just somewhere special for the both of you. PS – sorry for your loss.

5) Humble Braggers

Using subtle messages to let everyone know how awesome your life is while undercutting it with a bit of self-effacing humour. I’m so exhausted from my two weeks in the Maldives, really need another holiday.

6) Check-ins

Especially worse when it’s at an airport, sharing your destination or during the work day and you’re on swanky golf course or restaurant. You’re just bragging about your life and making other people feel shit about being stuck behind their desk.

7) Time Hop

Do you remember that first point I made? I’m going to make it again. Wasn’t fucking interesting first time was it? Even less so now right????

8) RIP Dead Pet

Similar to RIP Dead Nan, except bumming people out with images of your dead dog. “Little fluffy has left a massive hole in our hearts, #RIP Fluffy”. Look at it this way, the only place you’ll be seeing dog shit is in your Facebook news feed now.

9) News Post Share

Breaking news brought to you by this guy… via BBC. You’re not some cutting edge journalist on the ground in Bagdad. You’ve just been on the BBC website and read the news. This doesn’t make you intelligent. And thinking that you’re the one to break horrible news on your facebook wall makes you seem knowledgable is just delusional. You only put the worst kind of stories, which all they do is bum the fuck out of people. Facebook should be a place of joy, not a replication of the various newspaper websites. Make your own news bro.

10) Share within 10 seconds and you’ll get good luck forever

You dumb cunt.

11) Quotes

Come on. You’re not motivating me to be a better person. You’re not a better person for sharing it. Please stop sharing these things. They are not original thoughts, or even original images. The only thing you’ve enlightened, is my opinion of you, being a twat.

12) Bottle Lineup

We had a crazy night, look how much we drank! The post evening shot of 4 bottles of wine lined up on the counter after you’ve had 16 guests over for a party. The only thing that is crazy, is the fact you thought this would be interesting to us.

12a) Bottle Club

Similar to above, except you feel it necessary to tell people you buy your grey goose or Moet by the bottle. Again, this just makes you look like a twat. Just enjoy the booze and the fact you can afford it… why waste time taking a picture of it to share with the people not important enough to be sharing the drink with.

13) Food

Don’t care what you’re eating. I really don’t. Oh you’ve got steak? You’re better than me, as you’re so financially secure that you can afford to go out and eat steak. Stop it.

14) Duck facing

This can go in 2 and 3 too. Just horrific. I can’t believe girls still do this. Even if they telling themselves they are doing it “ironically”, somewhere in their body they obviously think this looks sexy. Well, as you’ve probably been told a million times, it really doesn’t look good. You look like a demented camel on acid.

15) Random Number of Sleeps till…

I’m seeing this so much at the moment. “Only 39 sleeps till Corfu!”. What? Why? I’m confused. Why have you just shared this? is 39 specific to something I don’t understand? “21 sleeps till New York baby!!!”. No. Just no. So it’s not that 39 is special… or 21… the only thing special here is the type of person who posts this. You’re an idiot. Again, you’re looking for attention and you’re bragging about the fact you’re off on holiday. Fuck off.

Edited…

16) My phone is on the fritz!

The person who tells you their phone is fucked, so just send them an email or DM them on Facebook. Seriously? Are you that fucking popular that your friends are constantly buzzing your phone that you feel the need to let them have an alternate means of communication? You fucktard. No one is calling/texting/messaging/emailing you anyway. You unpopular cunt.

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