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Kelloggs Carnage

Kelloggs Carnage

I don’t know if this is the same for most parents, but breakfast is like the most stressful part of my day. Getting my boys to eat anything, at a sensible speed, without demolishing the kitchen or ending in injury is a massive challenge which I shudder at thought of doing each day. It should be a lovely experience as it’s the last I’ll see of them for 10 hours, so I should be embracing it and taking it all in… but I’m literally counting down the minutes for my wife to come downstairs and take the reins.

This morning I’m doing my usual routine…

Bean : requests a bowl of cereal which is a mixture of 6 different cereals as he can never decide on just one. And half an innocent smoothie.

Bear : porridge daddy, always porridge (and 1 and a half innocent smoothies). The porridge, I love to eat… hate to make, as I always overheat it, it then needs to be placed in the freezer to cool down… Bear then constantly shouts at me “Where’s my PORRIDGE DADDY!!?!?!”.

Smoothie : I make my wife a fresh smoothie, strawberries, raspberries, banana, lime, crushed ice and apple juice. I do this every morning, it’s her fuel, without it she would no doubt collapse under the strain of our children and die.

Lunch : mash together whatever I can find for the boys lunch to take to school, all the while being challenged as to what treat the boys have in their lunchbox and if they do or do not deserve a treat… this is quite usually my method of bribery to get them to eat their breakfast.

My Smoothie : it’s a monster, 2 bananas, half a pot of natural yoghurt, semi-skimmed milk, 2 breakfast biscuits, handful of porridge oats, handful of bran flakes (keeps me regular), and a spoonful of honey… maybe a few strawberries if I’m feeling fruity.

Fruit : more fruit chopping, another bribery to get the kids to eat it.

My Coffee : fortunately have a really cool Nespresso machine, which makes an almond latte in 60 seconds. As with most designers coffee is my lifeblood, not sure what I’d do without it, creating an intravenous drip of coffee will be route to becoming a millionaire. *Patent pending.

Referee : I’m constantly having to break up squabbles between the boys, really stupid things like, Bear being jealous that Bean has a picture of a caterpillar on his smoothie carton and he hasn’t. This morning’s argument was particularly stupid:

  • Bean : Bear you’re such a baby and so small
  • Bear : No I isn’t!
  • Bean: Yes, I’m bigger than you
  • Bear : No I isn’t!!! (getting louder)
  • Bean (now realising Bear has taken the bait, starts prodding even more): Yes you are and I’ll always be bigger than you.
  • Bear: NO I ISN’T… I BIG BOY. Daaaaaaddeeeee, Bean says I not big.
  • Daddy: You are big, but not a big boy, because you still have a Num Num (dummy).
  • Bean: Yeah, and I’m taller than you… so I’m bigger
  • Bear (now in tears): No I aren’t!!!!! I be bigger than you when I’m 4!
  • Bean (really cockily) : Errr, no you won’t, because I’ll be 5!!!!!!

I just laughed, and was impressed with Bean’s thought process, but still had to calm the situation down.

Operation Cleanup:

Frustratingly scraping burnt milk from the aforementioned porridge preparation. Cleaning the boys smoothies which seems to be all over the table and floor during their game of “who can squeeze the smoothie carton the most”.

Clean table, clean plates, clean sides, clean the boys faces, usually have to give Bear a clean t-shirt if I forgot to put a bib on him, administer vitamin supplement, clean their teeth, clean their hands…mmm clean.

Final hurdle:

To the bottom of the stairs to get shoes on… the usual fight over which part of the step they have ownership over, always ends in tears. Working out who’s shoe is who’s, they have almost identical shoe size despite the 21 months age difference. If Mr Sunshine is out, slap on some sun lotion which they both detest (although Bean is getting much more tolerant). Kisses, and squeezes for daddy and I escape out of the door, wish the wife luck and breathe a sigh of relief and drive to the coffee shop whilst blaring out some tunes (Bastille is my album of choice at the moment).

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